i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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