Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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