Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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