I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
