after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
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