Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You don't make any sense
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