Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
