Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I have aggressive nipples.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
