You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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