last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
