i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
