i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
