You're my little dorito
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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