dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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