I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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