You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize
