What tipped you off? The sombrero?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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