Can i not drive my cunt home
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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