I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
