I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
