omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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