It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
