genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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