Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
