My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
