im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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