I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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