I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize