I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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