I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
