Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
