i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Randomize
