my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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