I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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