New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
