sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
