So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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