I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
