AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
