Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
