Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
