there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize