I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
