dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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