I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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