Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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