I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
