Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
