He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
