I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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