YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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