I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
