Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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