Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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