Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
