i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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