im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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