I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
