I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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