oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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