if you like me you must not know who I am
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
